You Just Can't Get Enough...Of My Writing! (Right?)

Miss me? You know you do!

So I have a guest post over at the nostalgia-rific Children of the 90s, about my favorite TV best friends. This blog is super-fun and you should totally follow it if you're not already.

Just as a friendly reminder, I write/blog about movies, TV and whatever else is on my mind over at The Film Yap and RedEye, under my real name, Lauren Whalen.

If you're not following me on Facebook and Twitter, I swear you won't regret it! I post random pop culture snark, plus all of my writing for easy access. I think some of my "friends" (aka people I went to grade school with and wasn't fond of even then) have hidden me, but that's okay, because I don't want to look at 835 pictures of their babies anyway.

Happy Humpday! (P.S. Humpday is a great little film and you should watch it.)

Unpro and Sis Present: White Girl Problems

Ah, to be a rich Caucasian female with money to burn and nothing to lose.  That's the concept behind the hilarious Twitter feed White Girl Problems.  Think Stuff White People Like with a designer bag and without a book deal (yet).

In the spirit of satire, Sister Unpro (who has started her own fun fashion blog) and I decided to compose some White Girl Problems of our own.  

Disclaimer: this is SATIRE ONLY.  Just for fun.  No soapboxes in the comments, please.  What I'd love to see in the comments?  Your own take on white girl/first world problems!


Fashion (aka Label Whoredom)

This poetry book is weighing down my leather tote.

I have to wake up at 2 a.m. for the Anthropologie sale.

This season's sunglasses suck.

My heels are sinking into the grass.

These shoes were not made for walking around the mall.

My boyfriend says Brooks Brothers is poorly made.

This bag is cute, but it's not a Coach.

Mind, Body and (No) Soul

I seriously don't know how I lost this weight.

My back is peeling.

Cheap shampoo makes my scalp itch.

My therapist says you're full of shit.

I put on two pounds.

Destinations

All I want is to go back to England.

I'm so over the Hamptons.

I'm so over Martha's Vineyard.

I'm so over Nantucket.

What do you mean, you don't speak French?

Technology

You erased So You Think You Can Dance from the DVR.

Facebook is down.

My iPod earbuds are too big for my ears.

Food

This organic banana is bullshit.

This brie is bullshit.

This cupcake is bullshit.

This hummus is bullshit.

These Kalamata olives are bullshit.

Sports and Recreation

I'm hot, but you're ugly, so this club won't let us in.

When I said "I like independent film," I didn't mean "I want to watch unattractive people with bad teeth reminisce about trees for two and a half hours."

I had one drink and I'm drunk.

My Yorkie hates me.

He likes Dane Cook.

He disappeared into a bar at 7 a.m. the day the World Cup started, and I haven't heard from him since.

No, I will NOT move over my yoga mat.  I got here first.

Things TV Taught Us, by Unpro and Sister Unpro

My sister and I came of age in the late '80's and early '90's, when sitcoms were in their heyday.  On Friday nights (and later, Tuesdays), you could not pry us away from our heavy-ass basement television with the beige plastic cable box when Full House was on.  We would then tape it and re-watch it until our mom yelled at us to a) go outside or b) read a book.  (We did plenty of both of those things, don't worry.)  In short, we were obsessed with the misadventures of that crazy Tanner/Katsopolis/Gladstone clan. 

Oh hell, we still are.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, Sister Unpro and I had way too much fun whiling away our day on Twitter.  Inspired by a writer friend of hers, we picked up the hashtag #thingsTVtaughtme and went to town.  Whether it's love and sex, school, family, home, or anything in between, we gleaned a wealth of knowledge from our sitcom-saturated childhoods.  Even today, with the onslaught of CW melodrama and reality programming, the lessons just keep on comin'!

So without further ado, Unpro and Sister Unpro present Things TV Taught Me.  TA-DAAAAA!

Love American Style

Hot young women LOVE fat manchildren who whine a lot.

The bad boy has a heart of gold. Unless he's a special guest star: in that case he'll a) die, or b) teach you a lesson. Or teach you a lesson while dying.

Sex with coworkers = more fun than dying patients.

Following amazing sex, all couples sleep in the spoon position.

There will ALWAYS be a hot, unattached sensitive coworker for you to chastely flirt with and eventually marry.

Weddings always begin with "Speak now or forever hold your peace."

Weddings: always big, always wacky. Someone WILL get arrested, shave their head, or have an inappropriate hookup.

That process of giving people roses and eliminating them one by one? IT'S TOTES GOING TO WORK THIS TIME.

School's Out

School is for dances, hookups, parties, and the occasional class with the teacher who breaks all the rules.

There is always a totally cool, non-alcoholic, all-ages hangout nearby.

You and your friends will land all of the lead roles in the school play.

Once you join your high school choir, you will magically gain the ability to burst into prerecorded pop songs.

You and your friends WILL go to the same college, located conveniently in your hometown. At least 1 teacher will come with.

A Family Affair

You are NOT the father.

Your little sister may go upstairs one day and never be heard from again. Don't worry about it.

Your family and friends may look like COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE from year to year. Just go with it.

Your baby will emerge from your invisible uterus as a smiling three-month-old with no blood or goo in sight.

And your baby weight? Competely GONE in the span of a week!

Children between the ages of 1-4 do not exist. If you have a baby, it will be five years old within three months.

Be irresponsible with fertility drugs, give your family corporate sponsors, and all your problems will be solved!

In the House

Celebrities randomly show up at your door.

No need to say "goodbye" at the end of a phone conversation. Just hang up.

That annoying stalker-y neighbor? NEVER GOES AWAY. And will probably marry your daughter.

You will never go to the bathroom, unless it is completely disgusting, hilarious, or involves a little kid saying "potty."

The couch is never set up against a wall.

Your house has infinite space available to convert to bedrooms for adult losers who never leave.

No punishments, just a minute-long talking-to set to soft piano and a hug.

Looks Can Kill

When you are 16, you will look 24. No exceptions.

Also, when you are a 40-year-old parent of a 16-year-old, you will look 24. No exceptions.

Your hair always looks amazing, even if you don't have a mom to do your hair.

Everyone has an endless supply of the latest fashions.

Ladies: even midsleep, your hair and makeup will still be intact.

Glasses and a ponytail make you ugly.

Miscellaneous Schtick

The world used to be in black and white.

No one tears open a present. They come in a pre-wrapped box and you lift off the lid.

Just in a fiery car crash/plane crash/massive explosion? No biggie, just a scratch on your forehead.

Struggling writers, fear not: in less than a year, you'll have a bestselling book AND you'll get to direct the movie!

It is possible to have a yearlong dream.

Try pot once? YOU ARE ADDICTED TO DRUGS FOREVER.


What has TV taught YOU?  Leave a comment!

Oh, and happy Thanksgiving!  I'll be spending the morning watching the Macy's parade, applauding the Broadway performances, and ignoring the "you are insane for clapping at the television, and can I watch football now?" looks from my dad.

Because I Keep My Promises: "10 Things I Hate About You" Liveblog

Well, I did it.


I survived the viewing of the 10 Things I Hate About You pilot. Barely. Below, my liveblog (I use Twitter for these, because it's easier to timestamp).


Gonna start my liveblog of 10 Things I Hate About You: the ABC Family series. Trying to keep an open mind. It's tough.about 1 hour ago from web


Oh, snap! Kat has a truck stop silhouette READING A BOOK dangling from her rearview mirror! IRONIC!43 minutes ago from web


Larry Miller is reprising his role as Dr. Walter Stratford! Awesome! Not impressed by dialogue so far. Trying too hard.43 minutes ago from web


That's so weird: Bianca's friend looks like Gabrielle Union's younger sister. (Gabrielle Union had the part in the movie.)41 minutes ago from web


So far, we've had mentions of Jurassic Park, Fall Out Boy, and Jurassic Park. And I thought I was bad with the pop culture references.40 minutes ago from web


Jurassic Park, Fall Out Boy, and Lifetime. Sorry.40 minutes ago from web


God, I miss Joseph Gordon-Levitt's almond-eyed intensity. Even as dorky Cameron, he had it. This Cameron is really whiny.39 minutes ago from web


They mentioned public-school funding, and how they have to keep the Superintendent's kid happy. I guess that would be an issue...38 minutes ago from web


Cameron totally reminds me of Ox in Not Another Teen Movie. "Miiiitch! Cut it out! STOOOOP!"37 minutes ago from web


They're trying to make Patrick into Robert Pattinson. Even saying he knows the taste of human flesh. GAH!36 minutes ago from web


So Joey and Chastity are dating. That's interesting. Chastity is head cheerleader and Joey is a quarterback. No male model?35 minutes ago from web


"Of the ten things I hated about today, she's number 1, 5, and 8." They worked in the show's title. Not impressed.25 minutes ago from web


So far I'm really not loving the writing. I like Diablo Cody. I don't like people who try to be Diablo Cody. REALLY obvious when you do.24 minutes ago from web


Oh God. It's a pop-up for the Lindsay Lohan movie "Labor Pains."22 minutes ago from web


Bianca is actually pretty cute. She's no Larisa Oleynik, but I kind of like her.22 minutes ago from web


Kat's not a virgin, and Bianca knows it and holds it over her head. Huh.20 minutes ago from web


Kat has a taser? That's stupid. And Patrick's voice sounds like one of those things you talk through to sound deep and scary.19 minutes ago from web


So Joey WANTS to be a model. I don't buy him as a blond. God, I HATE Cameron's whininess!18 minutes ago from web


A Three's Company-style misunderstanding. UGH.17 minutes ago from web


Ad for Lindsay Lohan in "Labor Pains." Working title was "Rock Bottom."17 minutes ago from web


Bianca sarcastically says she'll join show choir because she's not popular. Bianca, Glee is a way better show. Suck on that.13 minutes ago from web


The mom's dead, she didn't walk out. There's no real reason for this change.12 minutes ago from web


"Move it, skinny bitch." I like Mandella.11 minutes ago from web


I do like how Kat's not super skinny. She's thin, but not new-90210-rexic.11 minutes ago from web


I like Bianca's cute purple top. Ha, a Long Duk Dong reference!10 minutes ago from web


Wonder if this generation realizes that "I Want You to Want Me" is a cover of a cover.9 minutes ago from web


Wait. It's OVER? I know that the pilot always has a lot of setup, but that was just..dumb. Totally ADHD in terms of plot. Me no likey!7 minutes ago from web


And the only real music was the cover of I Want You to Want Me. By a girl group from Walt Disney records. LAME.6 minutes ago from web


Since it's in the summer, I wonder if this is a 1-season deal. I'll probably watch it in a rerun if there's nothing good on Bravo or TLC.5 minutes ago from web


My verdict: why must they mess with a great teen movie? If you MUST remake it, do a 2-hour TV movie. Doesn't work as a series.4 minutes ago from web


Watching South Park marathon to get bad taste out of my mouth. Followed by True Blood, which is actually GOOD. I heart Sam.3 minutes ago from web


Did you watch it? If so, what did you think?

Ed. Note: For my take on the 1999 film 10 Things I Hate About You, click here.