You Just Can't Get Enough...Of My Writing! (Right?)

Miss me? You know you do!

So I have a guest post over at the nostalgia-rific Children of the 90s, about my favorite TV best friends. This blog is super-fun and you should totally follow it if you're not already.

Just as a friendly reminder, I write/blog about movies, TV and whatever else is on my mind over at The Film Yap and RedEye, under my real name, Lauren Whalen.

If you're not following me on Facebook and Twitter, I swear you won't regret it! I post random pop culture snark, plus all of my writing for easy access. I think some of my "friends" (aka people I went to grade school with and wasn't fond of even then) have hidden me, but that's okay, because I don't want to look at 835 pictures of their babies anyway.

Happy Humpday! (P.S. Humpday is a great little film and you should watch it.)

Guest Post: Everything I Needed to Know About Public Speaking, I Learned From The Office (UK)

Hey guys and dolls,

Today's guest post comes from my pal Mare Swallow, whom you may remember from her excellent radio guest post last February.  Enjoy, and I'll catch ya next week! 

As a professional development facilitator and speaker, I coach my clients on how to improve their speaking skills. Lots of educational gems can be found all around us -- on TV or on the internet.

One of my favorite shows, The Office (U.K.), illustrates some of the, um, worst practices for public speaking. David Brent is the "entertaining" boss with a "cool vibe," who, sadly, doesn't really know a ton about effective presenting. Fortunately, I do, and I'll share some tips with you.

Below are some lessons I teach in my workshop. David Brent Illustrates the exact oppostite of what you should do to ensure success when you speak.

1. Always rehearse before you present. At a bare minimum, rehearse your opening.




2. Begin with a bang. No one likes to hear a boring opening. You know, "Hi, my name is Marianna and I'm going to talk about blah blah blah." Create a dramatic, interesting, or captivating opening. But not of the David Brent variety:




3. Start Strong; Finish Strong. Creative opening? Use a creative finish. Even if your talk is more subdued, you want to close with conviction. I always tell my students the worst way to end a presentation is with a flat finish like, "Well, that's it." Here's an even worse way:



Do the opposite of David Brent, and you'll be just fine when you give your next speech.

Marianna Swallow is a professional development facilitator, blogger, and writer. She's currently writing her how-to book on public speaking. See her in action at http://www.swallowconsulting.com/.

Wanna get your guest post on?  Email me at maybeimamazed02(at)yahoo(dot)com. 

Guest Post: Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team

Hey y'all,

So you may have noticed October was a bit quiet around the ol' Unpro.  Basically, I've been dealing with some personal stuff, work has been insanely busy, and I really miss creative writing so I'm about to dive into National Novel Writing Month for the second year in a row of 50,000 words in 30 days.  The next couple weeks will consist of guest posts, and I'll be popping up in the comments to add my two cents (because I always have at least two cents, or four, or fifty-three).

Thanks for understanding, and this week, please to enjoy an awesome post from Meg, who's shown up on this blog to comment on Things TV Taught Us and White Girl Problems, and now has her very own blog, Questionable Taste!  Rock on with Meg as she explores her favorite cable television treasure and be sure to let her know what you think!

Everything is bigger in Texas. 

The hair, the sequins, the oil rigs, and, of course, the football. I kind of have a fascination with Texas - it's like a different world. I love big and sparkly things, and I think maybe I was a Texan in another life. Because of this, I’m going to share with you the best-kept secret on basic cable: Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team. I realize I have questionable taste in everything, but before you laugh at your computer screen, hear me out.

The concept is pretty simple: cameras follow young hopefuls as they shake, kick, and jump-split their way to a spot on the Dallas Cowboys’ famed cheerleading squad. In charge of choosing the ladies are DCC director Kelli Finglass and choreographer Judy Trammell (both former cheerleaders themselves) who demand excellence not only in dance ability, but also personality, handling public appearances and “looking good in the uniform" (read: not having any extra weight).

Kelli and Judy are tired of your shit.

The aspiring cheerleaders go through several rounds of auditions, with a select few making it to the squad’s training camp, where they’ll learn routines and the fine art of "sexy walking," get sized up by the audition judges on Cowboys Stadium's 60-yard flat-screen TV, and endure boot-camp-style workouts. From training camp, several more ladies are cut from the squad, being called into Kelli's office and informed that "Tonaht will be your fahnal naht." (That's my typing impression of a Southern accent there.) Tears and heartbreak ensue. So why do hundreds of girls try out for 36 spots each year? And why can I not stop watching this show?

Because Kelli and Judy are damn good at what they do. Kelli knows how to put a squad together, and Judy comes up with dance routines that are fun and sexy without being over-the-top. They’re no-nonsense big-haired Southern belles and they know exactly what they’re looking for. Show up late to a uniform fitting? Stumble in the kickline? Kelli and Judy won’t have it. Being a DCC is about more than just being hot and shaking poms. Part of what I like about the squad is that the cheerleaders have to actually be able to dance, and not everyone can do high kicks and jump in the air and land in the splits. And if you can’t hack it, you’re out.

And as someone who’s been involved with dance and theater most of her life (and on the poms squad in high school), I know the crazy and emotional ride that is the audition process. So much can be at stake, and in the end, it’s a situation over which you have no control, and the show doesn’t sugarcoat this fact. Some of the ladies auditioning are back for the third, fourth, or fifth time, often making it to final auditions but ultimately falling short. It may seem like it's just about doing booty-shaking and high kicks and cheering on Miles Austin, but it’s not as easy as it looks.

Despite its intensity, though, I totally want to be a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. I took poms and dance and love sparkles and can tease my hair and could probably eventually do high kicks if I worked on it. But I think Kelli and Judy would probably kick me off the squad - not sure I have what it takes.

But I really want a pair of those cowboy boots.

Are YOU guest bloggy-rific?  If you'd like to contribute to The Unprofessional Critic, email me at maybeimamazed02[at]yahoo[dot]com!

Guest Post: Modern Family

I am really missing y'all, but never fear: I'll be back next week!  Until then, enjoy a second stellar guest post, this time from the doyenne of Are You There Youth?  It's me, Nikki . . . Nikki!

Every decade can lay claim to their own. The Cleavers, the Bradys, the Keatons, the Seavers, the Cosbys, the Conners. They’re all TV sitcom families. And for a while, after the Fox Network pulled the Bluth family out from under us, many of us thought there would be no more TV sitcom families not named Simpson.

The family sitcom had a formula that worked for decades. Mom and Dad plus kids equal wacky antics. Some did it better than others. Some families managed to turn the family sitcom on its head (the Bundys or the Bluths) with varying degrees of success. But after a while, I suppose the masses decided that the formula was just too...formulaic. And then Survivor did well and unleashed on us a scourge of reality television which appeared to leave the television sitcom family dead in the water. Washed up. A relic of the past. 

Until now.

Source: thetvlegion.com

Meet the Pritchett/Dunphy/Tucker/Delgado family of ABC’s sitcom, Modern Family. That’s right, a TV sitcom family in this age of American Idol, Top Chef and the Gosselin-family train wreck. A show that teaches us that a show about a functional family can be well-written, funny, heartbreaking and smart all at once.

Jay Pritchett (played by none other than Al Bundy, or Ed O’Neill) is the patriarch of this family. He is divorced, but remarried to a much-younger Colombian beauty Gloria (the gorgeous Sofia Vergara), who has an eleven year old son, the culturally-sensitive Manny (the extremely hilarious Rico Rodriguez). Jay’s grown children, who live in the same town, are Mitch (Jesse Tyler Ferguson in all his ginger adorableness) and Claire (the always dependable Julie Bowen). Mitch is gay and lives with his partner Cam (Eric Stonestreet) and the two have adopted a little girl from Vietnam, Lily. Claire is a stay at home mom married to Phil (Ty Burell) a man who tries far too hard to be liked by...well everyone. They have three kids, Haley, Alex and Luke (Sarah Hyland, Ariel Winter, and Nolan Gould).

So what is it about this family that makes the show work? Certainly they’re a family that has more in common with the family from Little Miss Sunshine than the Cosbys. And that may be the secret. More people can relate to a family like the Pritchett/Dunphy/Tucker/Delgado family than they can to the Cosbys or the Bradys. Families are not made up of a bunch of perfect parents helpfully guiding their precocious children through life’s minor ups and downs. No, people are dysfunctional. And a good family is one that can work with (or, in spite of) its members’ obvious dysfunctions and flaws.

And you want dysfunction and flaws? Modern Family can give them to you. Jay is curmudgeonly. Gloria may or may not be a gold-digger (the jury is still out on that one). Phil is over-eager and dorkish. Claire is all too aware that she’s smarter and savvier than her husband. Mitch can be hard-hearted, while Cam is far too much of a softie.

But everyone loves each other. Why? Because they’re family and sometimes that’s the only reason you need, and quite often, the only reason you can find. You know, kind of like Arrested Development’s Bluth family.  Everything about this show works, but what really makes it is the non-narrative way the stories are told. It’s told in a mockumentary style, much like The Office. Which is brilliant because we not only get to see the situations happening, but then we get documentary-style interviews where the characters can snark. And since this is a docu-style show, security camera footage is used to great effect. In the pilot, Mitch and Cam are talking about how long they’d been waiting for the adoption. Cam, who is jovially overweight, says that he gained baby weight. Now, in a traditional style sitcom, Mitch would have made a joke about the baby not forcing Cam to take two helping of dinner that night. And the laugh track would have exploded. Modern Family does things a little differently. Instead of a joke, Mitch makes a ‘can you believe this guy’ face at the camera, then it cuts away to security camera footage of Cam in his pajamas stuffing his face at the refrigerator. Because Modern Family trusts their viewers to get jokes without being hammered over the head with them, they have thankfully left the laugh track out.

And the dialogue! Have I mentioned the dialogue? It’s funny and fast-paced and sweet and snarky all at once. A few great examples:

Cameron: I'm sort of like Costco. I'm big, I'm not fancy and I dare you to not like me.


Cameron: There's a fish in nature that swims around with its babies in its mouth. That fish would look at Mitchell's relationship with his mother and say, "That's messed up."


Jay [to Manny]: Let's go buddy, it's school time. Oh, and Gloria, if you want to get together with the girls later I can just, you know, watch the football game or something.

Manny: That means he wants to watch a football game.

Jay: I'm not talkin' to you. And what're you drinking coffee for anyway?

Manny: It's my culture, I'm Colombian.

Jay: Oh yeah, what part of Colombia are those French toaster sticks from?


Mitchell: You had your own moments. You had cheerleading, and high school plays, and making out with the quarterback...

Claire: Oh come on, you made out with him, too.

Mitchell: Yeah, but we had to keep it a secret.


Cameron: If I wasn't in school or fishing, I was clowning. There are four types of clowns: a tramp, Auguste, a whiteface, and a character. I am a classically trained Auguste clown named Fizbo.

Mitchell: Between the clowning and the fishing, I'm surprised you had time for the schooling. Aww, there's the fifth type, the sad clown.

Cameron: A sad clown is a tramp.. so there's still only four types.


Mitchell: Still keeping traditions alive, huh?

Jay: Someone has to. I got two Colombians at home trying to turn Christmas into Cinco de Mayo.

Mitchell: You know that's Mexican right?

Jay: Ahh. Burrito, burr-righto.


Mitchell: I had to actually come out to my dad three times before he acknowledged it. I'm not sure if maybe he was hoping he heard it wrong, like I said 'Dad, I'm grey.'


So this Wednesday, watch Modern Family and find out what happens when Arrested Development meets The Office. Because the writing is smart but accessible, the characters are realistic but not boring, the situations are, indeed, somewhat wacky but remain relatable. But most of all, the fifties could lay claim to the Cleavers, the seventies to the Bradys, the eighties to the Cosbys and the nineties to the Conners. The aughts brought a drought of TV families. So let’s let the Pritchett/Dunphy/Tucker/Delgado clan own the teens.

Guest Post: To the Left of the Web

Hey all--while I'm at my writing residency, I will provide two guest posts for you to enjoy.  The first comes from the lady behind the blog that proves politeness rocks, heeeeeeere's Etiquette Bitch!

I live in Chicago where radio, unfortunately, blows.

I live in the 21^st century, where the internet, happily, rules.

Chicago radio used to rock. In the mid-80s, WXRT DJs did whatever they wanted. I recall being 13 and listening to a very odd David Byrne composition called “In The Future.” With its tuba-and-bass-line, it was just this side of a spoken-word piece. It was cool, ground-breaking and different. These days, WXRT plays only what Sheryl Crow and Michael Frente’s labels tell them to play, on repeat, every 15 minutes. Can you say “suckitude”?

Happily, no matter where I go, I can hop online and hear some of the best music and entertainment in the world. Here are my favorites, which I sincerely hope you’ll give a listen.

Etiquette Bitch’s 3 favorite online radio stations.

1. KCRW – kcrw.com; On Air; Click “Listen Now”

An NPR station with a passion for excellent music, KCRW is truly a gem.  Its flagship show “Morning Becomes Eclectic” features indie music and gets all the attention, but I encourage you to check out their other DJs who have amazingly varied – and good -- tastes. My personal favorite: Eric J. Lawrence (10:00 p.m. – 1:00 a.m., Mondays)  who revels in playing “criminally overlooked music.” He’s introduced me to “The Clientele” and ‘50s Spy Movie Scores. Don’t be daunted by his late-night spot. The beauty of KCRW is that everything is available via their site, and you can listen to Eric (or any of the other cool djs) any time.

Listening Tip: Three online channels to choose from: “On Air,” “All Music,” and “All News.”  Eclectic-24 (“All Music”) is especially wonderful.

Turn On: Guest DJs with cool stuff (Jason Schwartzman), in-studio live performances (Spoon). Music-only option on the site if you don’t feel like listening to Michele Norris recap the day’s news. Track list manually updated by the djs. Option to listen to news or past shows.

Turn Off: After a set, the djs will talk over some ambient music that fades in and out. Track lists, especially on weekends, can take longer to update, so I’m often left scratching my head over “what was that song?”

(Image: Eric J. Lawrence plays "criminally overlooked music."  Photo by Jessica Holmes Photography courtesy of KCRW.)

2. the current – the current.org > click “listen to the stream.”

Another NPR-offshoot, The Current has the best mix of alternative and indie music anywhere. I find better music here than I do from any Chicago resource. (Musically speaking, we really are a lame-ass conservative town.) The current introduced me to Jack Peñate; I went to see him at the Empty Bottle, where I saw another amazing act, Miike Snow, open for him. Whose CDs did I buy that night? Yeah, both of them. Have I put any money into Michael Frente’s bank account? Fuck no.

Listening Tip: The morning djs can be a tad chatty. Listen  after 10 a.m. CST.

Turn On: At 4 p.m. CST M-F, the “No Apologies” track. The DJ picks and plays one of her favorite songs that, usually, is passé, cheeseball, and has no street or indie cred whatsoever. Mariah Carey? Biz Markie? You got it. My favorite? Jane Child’s “I Don’t Want To Fall In Love.”

Turn Off: Sometimes bad connection, can lose the music for minutes at a time or take a few minutes to load.

3. BBC Online – http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/ > Click the BBC Radio Channel you want, then click the Sound Icon to listen.

I’m a sucker for all things British. I don’t know if it’s the sexy accent, their witty, dry sense of humor or just that they’ve always had cooler music (and better TV) than us Yanks. In high school, I listened to “Rock Over London” every Sunday on WXRT (see? They used to be cool.) to hear what cool import I would later run out and buy at Record Swap.  

The BBC Player allows access to all their music channels. I’m partial to BBC 6 (“Music 6”) but there’s something for everyone on the BBC – arts, comedy, sport (Not “sports.” “sport.” It’s British.), Jazz, Blues, Politics, children’s programs, theater, quizzes, and culture.

Listening tip: Pick a channel, then futz with the volume in the player. It goes to 11. Seriously.

Turn On:  Variety up the bum.

Turn Off: No track listing. If you hear something you like, you’ll just have to take a guess, or wait for the dj to name it. BBC online also offers TV shows online, but only to UK internet connections.

The first two stations, you likely noticed, are listener-supported. Please, please, please  -- at a bare minimum – click through to their advertisers, and if you listen regularly, send ‘em a few bucks. I joined the current months ago, and I now get discounts at my favorite Minneapolis restaurants. (Don’t laugh. I’m there at least once a year.)

Etiquette Bitch’s  Three Favorite podcasts:

I just became a podcast fan this past fall, and I’m now an addict. I don’t know why it took me this long to make the jump from Books on CD to online. A podcast is like someone reading you a story, if it’s done well. Fortunately, my three favorites are.

Warning: None of my favorite podcasts are quick, 10-minute episodes. The shortest one is 30 minutes. And I’m the kind of person who can be running late for work, get sucked into something, and just, you know, be late for work.

The Hollywood Podcast – http://hollywoodpodcast.com/

Full disclosure here: Tim Coyne, The Hollywood Podcaster, is a former teacher of mine. I tuned in just to see what he was doing in podcastland…and was thoroughly sucked in. The Hollywood Podcast features interviews from the trenches of Hollywood, including interviews from Sundance. My favorite feature is the “Unkempt” series, first person accounts from Tim as he navigates the worlds of dating and LA-actorhood. His tales are honest, painful, raw, hilarious, and late-making – I advise listening after work, not 10 minutes before you need to leave. Tim can sometimes be over-descriptive, but it’s well worth a listen.

(At left: Tim Coyne tells stories from LA on The Hollywood Podcast.  Photo courtesy of Tim Coyne.)

Listening Tip: With “Unkempt,” start at Episode 1, and listen to subsequent stories in order. Do this, and references to “Root Canal” and “The Muffin Incident” will make a lot more sense. Note: Mostly R-rated material. Use earbuds.

2. dicksnjanes - http://www.dicksnjanes.blogspot.com/

 Canadian  professor The Scarborough Dude talks about his life, present and past. Wistful, pensive and chuckle-inducing. Sometimes the pace is languid, then he’ll throw something at you like, “I remember being 13 and answering the phone at home, and a man said, ‘I want to suck your cock.’ I didn’t know what to do. And I couldn’t very well call downstairs, ‘Mom, a man says he wants to suck my cock. What’ll I do?’”  Bonus: Stories tied together with very cool music.

Listening Tip: This is a Blogger site. Click on the post title to bring up the audio. The opening intro can sometimes echo or be long. Be patient and you’ll be rewarded with a lovely story.

3. “On The Blog” - BBC Radio  Program  

On this side of the pond, we would call this “radio theater.” I’m gonna say that Radio Theater was the original podcasting…except you had no pod (well, except your wireless radio in gramma’s living room). I’m lumping it with podcasts because you can listen to it online.  “On The Blog” is a hilarious sitcom with trademark British cleverness and with. Andy Glasgow is a 38-year-old temp who still lives at home with his overbearing mother and fends off demands from his ex-girlfriend. (“Where’s my Lionel Richie CD?”) Maybe I love it so much because it combines every aspect of my life from the last 15 years: temping, soul-sucking jobs, and blogging.

Best quote: “What is this modern obsession with documenting everything online? Why can’t people just live a little? Stop wasting their lives on the internet and do something interesting for a change?” This said while our hero is updating his (you got it) blog.

Listening Tip: “On the Blog” episodes air every Thursday night at 10:00 pm GMT (4 pm CST) and are available online for 7 days after broadcast.

Just the Tip, Baby, Just the Tip

I have a guest post this week on the excellent blog Screenwriting Tips...You Hack. Check it out here.

FYI, if you write anything whatsoever that involves stories--screenplays, novels, epic journal entries--definitely read the whole blog. It's penned by a Hollywood scriptwriter, but 99% of the tips apply to any and every kind of narrative writing. Good stuff.

Happy Friday, y'all! Stay tuned for Monday's post, which I think is kinda fun. Of course, you could find it totally weird, but you won't know till you read it, will you?