The Way I Are: Parks and Recreation

So this week's post isn't going to be my usually wordy diatribe: I'm getting guest blogs in the can for here and here, and need to get my review on here. Also, to anyone in the Chicago area: on Saturday, March 13th at midnight, I'll be giving a lecture on the fantastic film Brick, followed by a screening and discussion. Only $5 and you get to meet me! I'm worth at least $2.50, I swear.

Also, I would like to officially announce that March will be Awesome Authors Month on The Unprofessional Critic! Several factors went into this decision: 1) This is a feminist blog, so I'd be stupid NOT to commemorate Women's History Month one way or another, 2) many of my readers are also writers, whether it's blogs, books, or something else literary beginning with a B, and 3) well, I just happened to get my hands on some friggin' awesome galleys (one of the VERY VERY BEST parts about blogging, FYI). So beginning next week, Awesome Authors Month will feature cool book reviews and author interviews--by and for women (though of course the menz are welcome too!). Should definitely be fun.

Anyway, this week's post. I wanted to stay away from literary stuff because that's going to be all of March, and the only movie I took in this week was (for the second time) Dear John. (YOU turn down a free chance to see Channing Tatum shirtless and Richard Jenkins chew scenery!) I've recently discovered Modern Family, but Nikki already covered that in a most splendiferous manner. Then it occurred to me: I'd talk up another recent TV discovery that hit me with a wallop of, "Why the hell have I not been watching this?"

Ladies and germs, I give you: Parks and Recreation.

I'll be honest with ya: I have yet to watch the first season. I remember hearing the consensus when the show premiered last year: it just really wasn't that good. I kept hearing comparisons of Amy Poehler's character to a female Michael Scott, and if I wanted uncomfortable workplace politics, I figured I could just watch The Office. Then, in a move almost unheard of these days, NBC gave the show another chance--in the form of a full season. And apparently things turned around. The writers and cast found their footing, characters became more developed and . . . wait a minute, the lead character was a feminist and it wasn't used as a JOKE?

After hearing that last tidbit, I knew I had to give it a try. It just so happened to fall on a week where Megan Mulally (whom I've always loved, despite my lukewarm reaction to Will and Grace) guest-starred as conniving librarian Tammy Swanson, ex-wife of martini-dry Ron Swanson (the mustachioed Nick Offerman, Mulally's real-life husband). The combination of slapstick and cerebral humor, not to mention the authentic Midwestern feel and giggle-inducing ensemble means I haven't looked back.

Yes, I'm now a full-on Must-See Thursday devotee. Y'all KNOW about my unabashed lovelust for Joel McHale, which I admit has just gotten worse. I'm talking serious celebrity crush--not since The Great Rainn Wilson Fixation of 2006 has a handsome, smart stranger captivated me so. And by the way, Community totally rocks--a smooth cocktail of McHale, Chevy Chase, and a lovably snarky band of miscreants gets me every week. 30 Rock can be cartoonish and broad, but Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin's dream team manages to salvage even the silliest of eps. And though I have to admit The Office can grate on me--why is Michael borderline mentally challenged this season? Anyone? And was Pam always such an entitled brat?--the heartwrenchingly touching wedding episode gives it a pass for at least the rest of this season.

Parks and Recreation is the latest addition to my NBC viewing party. Here's the scoop: Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler) is an earnest local government employee in Pawnee, Indiana whose long-term goal is to become the first female President, and whose short-term goal is to build Pawnee a new park. Leslie's best friend Ann (Rashida Jones, who's just too cute for words--can I please look like her in my next life?) is a nurse and concerned citizen, and an enthusiastic participant in various town meetings. Add into the mix Leslie's coworkers--including her unsmiling boss Ron (Nick Offerman), her douchetastic assistant Tom (Aziz Ansari), and surly college student April (Aubrey Plaza), not to mention her former fling Mark (Paul Schneider), who is now dating Ann, and Ann's doofy hipster ex-boyfriend Andy (Chris Pratt)--and you have a mishmash of personalities who may not always agree, but get into all sorts of fun scrapes and run-ins with the citizens of Pawnee.

Did I mention that everybody LIKES each other?

Okay, I'm not the first person to have this observation. I believe it was Entertainment Weekly. But here's the thing about shows like The Office: while I dig the cringe-inducing humor and can totally relate to cube-farm battles, sometimes the animosity wears on me. And I will never back down from my Tina Fey is a Friggin' Genius stance, but 30 Rock doesn't have the best character development. What I really love about Parks and Recreation (and Community and Modern Family as well) is that while the core characters don't always see eye to eye...they just as often band together and help each other out.

Case in point: on a recent episode of P and R, Leslie hosted a dinner party to impress her new love interest, the gentlemanly lawyer Justin (the DELECTABLE Justin Theroux--check out Mulholland Dr. and Six Feet Under for more of his smoldering sexiness). Leslie is so devoted to her job that other than Ann, she doesn't have a lot of friends outside of work. Therefore, the majority of people she invites are coworkers...and they show up, not because she's their superior (because in Ron's case, she isn't), but because they like her and Justin and want the relationship to work.

Leslie herself can be quite misguided and socially awkward, but where Michael Scott can get downright mean in his cluelessness, Leslie's heart is almost always in the right place. Though her reunion of Ron and his ex-wife Tammy doesn't turn out well, it's because Leslie genuinely had no idea that their relationship was so contentious and unhealthy (it also helped that Tammy was hugely manipulative and had her eyes on the lot Leslie wants to use for the park). Leslie just thought Ron would feel better if he made amends with his ex.

Also, it's nice to see a single woman on TV without Manolo Blahniks or fake boobs (sure, Poehler's beautiful, but it's a relatable beauty as opposed to unattainable model material) . . . well, get some. Leslie's former one-night stand, Mark, not only works with her but is now dating her best friend. And Leslie and Mark have a nice, friendly relationship. This season alone, Leslie has had not one but TWO boyfriends: a bumbling but sweet cop named Dave (Louis C.K. in a gentle turn free of his usual profanity) and the aforementioned Justin. And of course there's physical attraction involved, but both men are also OPENLY ADMIRING OF HER SMARTS. This shouldn't be revolutionary on TV in 2010. Except it kind of is.

Finally, the writing and acting is stellar. I will say that Ansari gets on my nerves at times, but maybe that's because I've known adult frat boys, like his character Tom. Rashida Jones' Ann often serves as the "straight man" in jokes, but she's getting some zingers and comic moments of her own lately. Pratt's Andy is hysterical in his attempts to win back Ann and his cluelessness at life, and Plaza's April never fails to crack me up with her unsmiling eye-rolling at the politics of Pawnee. But the real standout is Nick Offerman as Ron (Fucking) Swanson. Let's face it, thick mustaches are hilarious. But it's more than that: Offerman's impatience with local government and life lends itself to barbs that are both resigned and quietly simmering. The guy's delivery is im-fucking-peccable.

Oh, and Leslie Knope's feminism. She is uncomfortable in strip clubs (though she treats Tom in light of his divorce). She idolizes Hillary Clinton and keeps pictures of other powerful women in her office. She insists on being involved in a previously all-male hunting trip. She has outright claimed to be a feminist. And NONE of this is played for laughs. If this doesn't make your bleeding heart happy, you're no daughter of mine.

Parks and Recreation can be seen every Thursday on NBC, at 8:30/7:30 Central (after Community). Also, the last 5 episodes are on Hulu. So why aren't you watching right now?

Wait, I take back my apology: that WAS a wordy diatribe.

Happy Monday, y'all!

This Is the Girl: Jennifer's Body

I'm sure you've heard.

For months and months, there was hype about Jennifer's Body, Diablo Cody's female-driven follow-up to Juno.  And then . . . there was anti-hype.  Terrible reviews.  Abysmal box office.  So much of both that I who had really been looking forward to it (as a fan of both Cody and cheesy horror films) decided not to see it in the theatre.  In fact, the reason I saw it at all is because my friend Bob was visiting from L.A. and bought the DVD for cheap.

I fully expected to MST3K Jennifer's Body into ironic oblivion.

But you know what?  I kinda liked it.

Unless you've been living under a rock, you know the basic plot: after an inflammatory night out, Needy Lesnicki (Amanda Seyfried) finds that her beautiful, popular BFF Jennifer Check (Megan Fox) is acting bloodthirsty--and not in the bitchy teenage girl way.  Cue blood, boobie shots, and Megan Fox saying things like "I go both ways" so fourteen-year-old boys everywhere can get hard-ons.

And yes, there's much ridiculosity to be witnessed in Jennifer's Body.  Much of which originates with Megan Fox.  After careful analysis (and by analysis I mean me and Bob going back and forth going, "woooow, she's terrible"), I have arrived at the following conclusion: I'm not sure what the casting directors were going for (besides, well, the aforementioned fourteen-year-old boy hard-ons).  I mean, for most of the movie, Jennifer is technically lifeless, so Fox's wooden performance might have been--a good decision?  On the other hand, I do wonder what a better actress would have done with the role.  Would it have been jacked-up nasty, or just overdone?

Anyhoo, forget the Fox.  Here's who I liked best in Jennifer's Body:

Amanda Friggin' Seyfried, yo.  As far as I'm concerned, this girl can do no wrong.  I know she first really broke out on the scene as dimwit self-fondler/weathergirl Karen in Mean Girls, which no doubt is a fantastic film in its own right.  However, Seyfried had my heart after her season the title character's murdered best friend on Veronica Mars.  Lilly Kane may have only appeared in flashbacks, but she packed quite the punch: rich, fun-loving, loyal and a little bit bitchy.  In other words, exactly what anyone wants in a high school best friend.  (And OMG, gorgeous.  I wish she hadn't gone through the requisite Hollywood weight loss--those curves were bangin'.)

Seyfried just keeps getting awesomer: sure, Mamma Mia! was glittery garbage, but she has a lovely voice and her Sophie had a winningly winsome presence.  And yes, I truly liked Dear John.  (Shut up.  Channing Tatum is fiiiiine and I may or may not have enjoyed the book.)  It's funny: while Seyfried was great in Mean Girls, she didn't really stand out to me then (hell, Lindsay Lohan was still The One to Watch, and Rachel McAdams was coming into her own star power).  I couldn't be happier that her career has proven me wrong.

Anyway, Seyfried's character Needy is a badass.  Don't let the name (short for Anita) fool you.  She tries to be a good friend until Jennifer's just too damn possessed for it to be possible.  She has a sweet boyfriend (and a sex drive!), but isn't defined by him.  And especially at the beginning and end, girl kicks some serious butt.  I swear, after the movie I wanted to go around screaming "I recommend you shut the fuck up!" and kicking, but my roommate expressed a desire to, you know, not have the police called on us.  Believe me, even when Megan Fox/Jennifer gets annoying, Jennifer's Body is worth watching for Needy.

Did I mention that she wears glasses?  I love me some fierce bespectacled females.  Even if there are demons involved.

Bob's favorite part: the line "you give me such a wettie."  While for me this brings up images of Wet Ones (those baby butt-wipes), Bob pointed out that "there's not really a female equivalent for the term 'woody.'"  Unlike in Juno, where Cody's twee pop culture-y phrases are backed up by real substance, Jennifer's Body's dialogue reeks of superficiality.  However, some of  it works: not just the "wettie" line, but how Needy and Jennifer refer to each other as "Monistat" and "Vagisil."  I distinctly remember in high school when my friends and I came up with stupidly "dirty" nicknames for one another (Valerie Vagina in the house, yo!).  Basically, yes, Cody's writing borders on over-the-top, but there are still some gems here.  Don't give up on her yet.

So I know it got a lot of hate critically and at the box office, some of which was definitely deserved.  But as inconsistent as it is, Jennifer's Body is worth the rental.  If nothing else, we're supporting the scribe behind the Sweet Valley High revamp.  And what could be awesomer than that?

P.S.  Guess who's going to be writing for TVGasm?  Thanks to all who voted!  And don't worry, the bloggy fun will continue here!

Guest Post: Modern Family

I am really missing y'all, but never fear: I'll be back next week!  Until then, enjoy a second stellar guest post, this time from the doyenne of Are You There Youth?  It's me, Nikki . . . Nikki!

Every decade can lay claim to their own. The Cleavers, the Bradys, the Keatons, the Seavers, the Cosbys, the Conners. They’re all TV sitcom families. And for a while, after the Fox Network pulled the Bluth family out from under us, many of us thought there would be no more TV sitcom families not named Simpson.

The family sitcom had a formula that worked for decades. Mom and Dad plus kids equal wacky antics. Some did it better than others. Some families managed to turn the family sitcom on its head (the Bundys or the Bluths) with varying degrees of success. But after a while, I suppose the masses decided that the formula was just too...formulaic. And then Survivor did well and unleashed on us a scourge of reality television which appeared to leave the television sitcom family dead in the water. Washed up. A relic of the past. 

Until now.

Source: thetvlegion.com

Meet the Pritchett/Dunphy/Tucker/Delgado family of ABC’s sitcom, Modern Family. That’s right, a TV sitcom family in this age of American Idol, Top Chef and the Gosselin-family train wreck. A show that teaches us that a show about a functional family can be well-written, funny, heartbreaking and smart all at once.

Jay Pritchett (played by none other than Al Bundy, or Ed O’Neill) is the patriarch of this family. He is divorced, but remarried to a much-younger Colombian beauty Gloria (the gorgeous Sofia Vergara), who has an eleven year old son, the culturally-sensitive Manny (the extremely hilarious Rico Rodriguez). Jay’s grown children, who live in the same town, are Mitch (Jesse Tyler Ferguson in all his ginger adorableness) and Claire (the always dependable Julie Bowen). Mitch is gay and lives with his partner Cam (Eric Stonestreet) and the two have adopted a little girl from Vietnam, Lily. Claire is a stay at home mom married to Phil (Ty Burell) a man who tries far too hard to be liked by...well everyone. They have three kids, Haley, Alex and Luke (Sarah Hyland, Ariel Winter, and Nolan Gould).

So what is it about this family that makes the show work? Certainly they’re a family that has more in common with the family from Little Miss Sunshine than the Cosbys. And that may be the secret. More people can relate to a family like the Pritchett/Dunphy/Tucker/Delgado family than they can to the Cosbys or the Bradys. Families are not made up of a bunch of perfect parents helpfully guiding their precocious children through life’s minor ups and downs. No, people are dysfunctional. And a good family is one that can work with (or, in spite of) its members’ obvious dysfunctions and flaws.

And you want dysfunction and flaws? Modern Family can give them to you. Jay is curmudgeonly. Gloria may or may not be a gold-digger (the jury is still out on that one). Phil is over-eager and dorkish. Claire is all too aware that she’s smarter and savvier than her husband. Mitch can be hard-hearted, while Cam is far too much of a softie.

But everyone loves each other. Why? Because they’re family and sometimes that’s the only reason you need, and quite often, the only reason you can find. You know, kind of like Arrested Development’s Bluth family.  Everything about this show works, but what really makes it is the non-narrative way the stories are told. It’s told in a mockumentary style, much like The Office. Which is brilliant because we not only get to see the situations happening, but then we get documentary-style interviews where the characters can snark. And since this is a docu-style show, security camera footage is used to great effect. In the pilot, Mitch and Cam are talking about how long they’d been waiting for the adoption. Cam, who is jovially overweight, says that he gained baby weight. Now, in a traditional style sitcom, Mitch would have made a joke about the baby not forcing Cam to take two helping of dinner that night. And the laugh track would have exploded. Modern Family does things a little differently. Instead of a joke, Mitch makes a ‘can you believe this guy’ face at the camera, then it cuts away to security camera footage of Cam in his pajamas stuffing his face at the refrigerator. Because Modern Family trusts their viewers to get jokes without being hammered over the head with them, they have thankfully left the laugh track out.

And the dialogue! Have I mentioned the dialogue? It’s funny and fast-paced and sweet and snarky all at once. A few great examples:

Cameron: I'm sort of like Costco. I'm big, I'm not fancy and I dare you to not like me.


Cameron: There's a fish in nature that swims around with its babies in its mouth. That fish would look at Mitchell's relationship with his mother and say, "That's messed up."


Jay [to Manny]: Let's go buddy, it's school time. Oh, and Gloria, if you want to get together with the girls later I can just, you know, watch the football game or something.

Manny: That means he wants to watch a football game.

Jay: I'm not talkin' to you. And what're you drinking coffee for anyway?

Manny: It's my culture, I'm Colombian.

Jay: Oh yeah, what part of Colombia are those French toaster sticks from?


Mitchell: You had your own moments. You had cheerleading, and high school plays, and making out with the quarterback...

Claire: Oh come on, you made out with him, too.

Mitchell: Yeah, but we had to keep it a secret.


Cameron: If I wasn't in school or fishing, I was clowning. There are four types of clowns: a tramp, Auguste, a whiteface, and a character. I am a classically trained Auguste clown named Fizbo.

Mitchell: Between the clowning and the fishing, I'm surprised you had time for the schooling. Aww, there's the fifth type, the sad clown.

Cameron: A sad clown is a tramp.. so there's still only four types.


Mitchell: Still keeping traditions alive, huh?

Jay: Someone has to. I got two Colombians at home trying to turn Christmas into Cinco de Mayo.

Mitchell: You know that's Mexican right?

Jay: Ahh. Burrito, burr-righto.


Mitchell: I had to actually come out to my dad three times before he acknowledged it. I'm not sure if maybe he was hoping he heard it wrong, like I said 'Dad, I'm grey.'


So this Wednesday, watch Modern Family and find out what happens when Arrested Development meets The Office. Because the writing is smart but accessible, the characters are realistic but not boring, the situations are, indeed, somewhat wacky but remain relatable. But most of all, the fifties could lay claim to the Cleavers, the seventies to the Bradys, the eighties to the Cosbys and the nineties to the Conners. The aughts brought a drought of TV families. So let’s let the Pritchett/Dunphy/Tucker/Delgado clan own the teens.

Guest Post: To the Left of the Web

Hey all--while I'm at my writing residency, I will provide two guest posts for you to enjoy.  The first comes from the lady behind the blog that proves politeness rocks, heeeeeeere's Etiquette Bitch!

I live in Chicago where radio, unfortunately, blows.

I live in the 21^st century, where the internet, happily, rules.

Chicago radio used to rock. In the mid-80s, WXRT DJs did whatever they wanted. I recall being 13 and listening to a very odd David Byrne composition called “In The Future.” With its tuba-and-bass-line, it was just this side of a spoken-word piece. It was cool, ground-breaking and different. These days, WXRT plays only what Sheryl Crow and Michael Frente’s labels tell them to play, on repeat, every 15 minutes. Can you say “suckitude”?

Happily, no matter where I go, I can hop online and hear some of the best music and entertainment in the world. Here are my favorites, which I sincerely hope you’ll give a listen.

Etiquette Bitch’s 3 favorite online radio stations.

1. KCRW – kcrw.com; On Air; Click “Listen Now”

An NPR station with a passion for excellent music, KCRW is truly a gem.  Its flagship show “Morning Becomes Eclectic” features indie music and gets all the attention, but I encourage you to check out their other DJs who have amazingly varied – and good -- tastes. My personal favorite: Eric J. Lawrence (10:00 p.m. – 1:00 a.m., Mondays)  who revels in playing “criminally overlooked music.” He’s introduced me to “The Clientele” and ‘50s Spy Movie Scores. Don’t be daunted by his late-night spot. The beauty of KCRW is that everything is available via their site, and you can listen to Eric (or any of the other cool djs) any time.

Listening Tip: Three online channels to choose from: “On Air,” “All Music,” and “All News.”  Eclectic-24 (“All Music”) is especially wonderful.

Turn On: Guest DJs with cool stuff (Jason Schwartzman), in-studio live performances (Spoon). Music-only option on the site if you don’t feel like listening to Michele Norris recap the day’s news. Track list manually updated by the djs. Option to listen to news or past shows.

Turn Off: After a set, the djs will talk over some ambient music that fades in and out. Track lists, especially on weekends, can take longer to update, so I’m often left scratching my head over “what was that song?”

(Image: Eric J. Lawrence plays "criminally overlooked music."  Photo by Jessica Holmes Photography courtesy of KCRW.)

2. the current – the current.org > click “listen to the stream.”

Another NPR-offshoot, The Current has the best mix of alternative and indie music anywhere. I find better music here than I do from any Chicago resource. (Musically speaking, we really are a lame-ass conservative town.) The current introduced me to Jack Peñate; I went to see him at the Empty Bottle, where I saw another amazing act, Miike Snow, open for him. Whose CDs did I buy that night? Yeah, both of them. Have I put any money into Michael Frente’s bank account? Fuck no.

Listening Tip: The morning djs can be a tad chatty. Listen  after 10 a.m. CST.

Turn On: At 4 p.m. CST M-F, the “No Apologies” track. The DJ picks and plays one of her favorite songs that, usually, is passé, cheeseball, and has no street or indie cred whatsoever. Mariah Carey? Biz Markie? You got it. My favorite? Jane Child’s “I Don’t Want To Fall In Love.”

Turn Off: Sometimes bad connection, can lose the music for minutes at a time or take a few minutes to load.

3. BBC Online – http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/ > Click the BBC Radio Channel you want, then click the Sound Icon to listen.

I’m a sucker for all things British. I don’t know if it’s the sexy accent, their witty, dry sense of humor or just that they’ve always had cooler music (and better TV) than us Yanks. In high school, I listened to “Rock Over London” every Sunday on WXRT (see? They used to be cool.) to hear what cool import I would later run out and buy at Record Swap.  

The BBC Player allows access to all their music channels. I’m partial to BBC 6 (“Music 6”) but there’s something for everyone on the BBC – arts, comedy, sport (Not “sports.” “sport.” It’s British.), Jazz, Blues, Politics, children’s programs, theater, quizzes, and culture.

Listening tip: Pick a channel, then futz with the volume in the player. It goes to 11. Seriously.

Turn On:  Variety up the bum.

Turn Off: No track listing. If you hear something you like, you’ll just have to take a guess, or wait for the dj to name it. BBC online also offers TV shows online, but only to UK internet connections.

The first two stations, you likely noticed, are listener-supported. Please, please, please  -- at a bare minimum – click through to their advertisers, and if you listen regularly, send ‘em a few bucks. I joined the current months ago, and I now get discounts at my favorite Minneapolis restaurants. (Don’t laugh. I’m there at least once a year.)

Etiquette Bitch’s  Three Favorite podcasts:

I just became a podcast fan this past fall, and I’m now an addict. I don’t know why it took me this long to make the jump from Books on CD to online. A podcast is like someone reading you a story, if it’s done well. Fortunately, my three favorites are.

Warning: None of my favorite podcasts are quick, 10-minute episodes. The shortest one is 30 minutes. And I’m the kind of person who can be running late for work, get sucked into something, and just, you know, be late for work.

The Hollywood Podcast – http://hollywoodpodcast.com/

Full disclosure here: Tim Coyne, The Hollywood Podcaster, is a former teacher of mine. I tuned in just to see what he was doing in podcastland…and was thoroughly sucked in. The Hollywood Podcast features interviews from the trenches of Hollywood, including interviews from Sundance. My favorite feature is the “Unkempt” series, first person accounts from Tim as he navigates the worlds of dating and LA-actorhood. His tales are honest, painful, raw, hilarious, and late-making – I advise listening after work, not 10 minutes before you need to leave. Tim can sometimes be over-descriptive, but it’s well worth a listen.

(At left: Tim Coyne tells stories from LA on The Hollywood Podcast.  Photo courtesy of Tim Coyne.)

Listening Tip: With “Unkempt,” start at Episode 1, and listen to subsequent stories in order. Do this, and references to “Root Canal” and “The Muffin Incident” will make a lot more sense. Note: Mostly R-rated material. Use earbuds.

2. dicksnjanes - http://www.dicksnjanes.blogspot.com/

 Canadian  professor The Scarborough Dude talks about his life, present and past. Wistful, pensive and chuckle-inducing. Sometimes the pace is languid, then he’ll throw something at you like, “I remember being 13 and answering the phone at home, and a man said, ‘I want to suck your cock.’ I didn’t know what to do. And I couldn’t very well call downstairs, ‘Mom, a man says he wants to suck my cock. What’ll I do?’”  Bonus: Stories tied together with very cool music.

Listening Tip: This is a Blogger site. Click on the post title to bring up the audio. The opening intro can sometimes echo or be long. Be patient and you’ll be rewarded with a lovely story.

3. “On The Blog” - BBC Radio  Program  

On this side of the pond, we would call this “radio theater.” I’m gonna say that Radio Theater was the original podcasting…except you had no pod (well, except your wireless radio in gramma’s living room). I’m lumping it with podcasts because you can listen to it online.  “On The Blog” is a hilarious sitcom with trademark British cleverness and with. Andy Glasgow is a 38-year-old temp who still lives at home with his overbearing mother and fends off demands from his ex-girlfriend. (“Where’s my Lionel Richie CD?”) Maybe I love it so much because it combines every aspect of my life from the last 15 years: temping, soul-sucking jobs, and blogging.

Best quote: “What is this modern obsession with documenting everything online? Why can’t people just live a little? Stop wasting their lives on the internet and do something interesting for a change?” This said while our hero is updating his (you got it) blog.

Listening Tip: “On the Blog” episodes air every Thursday night at 10:00 pm GMT (4 pm CST) and are available online for 7 days after broadcast.

Hey, Chicago: It's FREE MOVIE Time!

Hey everyone,

Do you like Shawn Ashmore?  He's a twin, I think he was on the Animorphs series, and then he grew up and did X-Men where he screwed over Anna Paquin (I think).

Remember The Ruins, when he was shirtless?  I do!

Anyway, The Film Yap is giving away free passes to his new movie Frozen (in which he will hopefully be shirtless again--probably not, given the film's setting, but I can dream).  Click on the link for your chance to win!

Liveblog: The Pregnancy Pact

First things first, y'all: I'm in the final three to write for TVGasm.  Considering this was their biggest submission year ever, that's pretty cool.  So vote for me, why don't ya?  (If you're not registered in their forums, you'll have to do that, but it only takes a couple of minutes and will make me very happy.)

Now down to the postage: this week's Unpro comes courtesy of the latest in the Lifetime lady-shaming ouevre, The Pregnancy Pact.  I was so eager to watch this kinda-but-not-really based on a true story, that I decided to live-Tweet it and put the results on my blog(in chronological order) for you to enjoy.  All you need to know is that a couple of years ago, Time magazine did a story on a small Massachusetts town that was experiencing a spike in teen pregnancy.  This was allegedly because of a pact made by agroup of teenage girls, though that was never proven to be the case.

My viewing experience?  Um, interesting.  More than a little stabby.  Read on:

Haha, covering your ass with a disclaimer. Lifetime FTW.


SCARE TACTICS! News montage practically fetishizing girls' sexuality, followed by copious MAKING OUT!


High school girl is NOT pregnant, and disappointed. She kind of reminds me of an underage Charlotte from Sex and the City.


Beware kissing! It gets you PREGNANT!


Has Thora Birch had work done? There's something off about her face.


Wow, look at her cool office! Just like all online magazine journalists have! Just like I have...oh wait.


Camryn Manheim the School Nurse is concerned(TM).


Redhead protagonist hugs her boyfriend w/ Zac Efron hair. Because kissing gets you PREGNANT: at least, that's what they want us to believe.


Zac Efron Hair has a shlight lishp. And I'm an ash-hole for laughing at it.


The principal reminds me of the police officer in the SNL Lifetime skit--won't listen to Camryn Nurse because she's a woman.


I keep wanting Nancy Travis to have an English accent like she did in Three Men and a Baby. Was Mary born because of a pact? I wonder...


Zac Efron hair "couldn't imagine being married to anyone elsh."


Thora Birch is all EDGY with her videocam and her snappy snarkiness. Ugh. Um, no way is that gay dude her former boyfriend!


Zac Efron Hair's dad has a cell phone outside church and is therefore a jerk. Because only rich people have cell phones.


Thora Birch used to live in the small town but "went away suddenly." I wonder WHY? WHY? WHY?


Nancy Travis is all, "you kids and your blogs."


Why is redhead protagonist SO FOCUSED on getting married? It's weird. Zac Efron Hair, of course, just wants to have shex.


Redhead protagonist=deliberately pregnant. "OMG, I'm gonna have a baby!" Her friends swear secrecy on the pact. I need cheesecake, yo.


Seriously, are teenage girls really this stupid? I knew 2 girls who got pregnant at my high school in the same year. No talk of a pact.


During commercials: Should I get back into Project Runway? I dunno.


Disclaimer AGAIN? They must really be afraid of a lawsuit. Here's the contemplative guitar music and mirror-gazing. Condoms. They work!


High school Charlotte is kind of the badass rebel of the group. Huh.


Okay, Thora Birch lived in the crap small town for 2 years and therefore has NO right to complain about having no friends.


A video blog on teen issues? That's her full time job. O-kay.


Her ex is the gay-seeming guy who works at the school. Of course he knocked her up. Did he look at Honcho before doing the deed?


Obligatory Courtroom Scene, except I think it's more of a tribunal. Which I don't think would take place in a COURTROOM.


I know I'm asking a lot for a Lifetime movie to make sense, but why does pregnancy glamorizing=no birth control?


Conservative pro-abstinence Nancy Travis is SERVING Camryn Manheim with her scarves and silver jewelry.


High school Charlotte is wearing Jon Gosselin's patterned castoffs. Maybe he's the babydaddy.


Barfing! Nancy Travis Concerned Face. The Inevitable "Don't Be Mad," dad dragging daughter by arm, and Rich Asshole Zac Efron Hair Dad.


Commercial: Oh wow, a movie with fat suits that looks waaaaay more offensive than Shallow Hal.


Commercial: Am really sad. Was invited to 4 press screenings of "Dear John" and can't make ANY of them.


Why is there horror movie music over a pregnancy movie? Oh right, it's LIFETIME. I hate the whole "value yourself"=not have sex. God.


Actor who plays redhead's father. Have seen him somewhere and it's driving me crazy. I think he played a jerk. Using IMDb is cheating.


How is Zac Efron Hair "shupposed" to act? He should have figured out how to get "condomsh."


These are the girls who Oprah wants you to think have "rainbow parties." Even after that was proved to be a myth.


Now when someone says "sexually active," I think of Juno. It's a very strange term when you think about it.


Oh God, I'm getting a hipster Elizabeth Wakefield vibe from Thora Birch. All that's missing is the black-fingernailed shoulder pat.


Gay Ex in his checkered shirt is Concerned. He is way too natty to have knocked up a girl. Unless it was via turkey baster.


This movie was so clearly written by a 45-year-old trying to be hip but still afraid of the interwebs.


And who believes in rainbow parties.


Gay Ex is soooo in denial. You know his hot wife is either really Christian or goes to New York and swings on the weekends.


Commercial: Skinny Marie Osmond looks like a cross-eyed Barbie. It's not a good look for her. At all.


"Plus, all the girls in the olden days were married." Thanks, Thora Bitch, from all the single moms of America.


Gas stations sell condoms by the STRIP? I've never seen that ever.


Zac Efron Hair: "misherable." Perhapsh shome shpeech therapy would be of asshishtansh.


She's doing the Sarah Marshall pulling-his-face-to-her-face.


A Catholic mom is fundraising for the daycare? The Catholic moms I knew wouldn't have done that. Too deep in denial.


AGH, now I empathize with Thora Birch. Adoption is okay.


Sepia flashback: "let's all get pregnant and raise our babies together!" Big smiles. Now I understand all the disclaimers: that was a LIE.


Nancy Travis Status Update: I am haggard.


Yes, confide in a reporter. God, was I ever that stupid?


"So this is what it feels like to be Jamie Lynn Spears"???? What are they, at a coed boarding school for tweens?


Zoey 101 reference FTW!


Zac Efron Hair: "Did you get pregnant on purposh?" I wish he'd say porpoish. He is shorry for his accushation.


Oooh, "peer pressure." It's like a time travel machine to DARE 1988!


Is Camryn Manheim going to swoop in with magic condoms and save the day? Please make it so!


Aw, here's the lawyer! Combined with the rich asshole dad spouting cliches and screaming.


I doubt even my Catholic mother would refer to teenage me's out-of-wedlock baby as a "precious gift from God." At my gyno appointment.

That tabloid reporter looks like Pee Wee Herman. And Redhead's Dad is kicking his ass. Oh noes, Zac Efron Hair got arreshted!

By the way, teenage me did not have an out of wedlock baby. Partly because pregnancy scared the shit out of me. Still does.

Commercial: Did you know that there's a gay love story in "Valentine's Day"? Right, 'cause it's not in any preview. Hollywood, I hate you.

Thora Birch is being all JOURNALIST-Y. For her very famous blog that makes her enough to live in NYC.

Also, aren't teen pregnancy rates actually down from previous years?

Now we're talking Paternity Test (TM)! I really can't wait to see Lifetime Wow's take on this.

Oooh, now Nancy Travis is being kicked off the PTA council thingy. Her eyeshadow is very unhappy about this.

The timeline is all messed up. I'm not sure how pregnant Redhead is, or how long Thora's been in town.

Thora Birch totally went to the Elizabeth Wakefield School of Sanctimony. You heard it here first.

Ten bucks that Redhead conveniently miscarries.

Way to go, editors. That baby in an incubator is totally stock footage. They didn't even try. My shit laptop coulda done better.

I think Gay Ex and Thora Birch need to call a truce and head out to Musical Theatre Monday for cocktails and showtunes.

Ohhhh, I think Thora Birch had a shmashmortion.

"Was there a pact or wasn't there?" The reporters are confuuuuuused!

The moment of truth: there was a pact!!!!! Way to dishappoint your babydaddy, Redhead.

Commercial: Aaaand a Precious wannabe. They turned that around quick.

Underage Charlotte has determined her babydaddy. Heartfelt mother-daughter confession in car GO!

Mom said "butt!" Oprah fans everywhere are scandalized.

Redhead's dad said, "we're a little numb down here." Tell me the screenwriter didn't put that in on purpose.

Redhead just made a confession that ups her dumb quotient. I wouldn't trust my kid either if she were open about wanting a baby at 15.

It's a party! With teenage drinking shenanigans. And probably fornicating.

Hold up, is Redhead wearing a SCRUNCHIE?! And I'm pulling a Carrie Bradshaw: any iota of believability? Out the window!

Oh crap, Redhead just took a DRINK! Noooooooo! Also, there was roughing up, aka Miscarriage Foreshadowing. You know it's coming.

Now Thora Birch is telling Nancy Travis how to parent. Somewhere Liz Wakefield is smiling gently and patting her own shoulder.

Kristy Thomas is probably pretty proud of herself too.

Thora Birch's confession: she DIDN'T have the a-word. Because God forbid anyone in a Lifetime movie take that option and not, you know, die.

Redhead: passed out! Why do I want to sing "Pants on the Ground"?

Her pants are intact, FYI.

Someone had to say it: kids, don't drink and drive.

Wow, baby survived. Maybe the alcohol will have the reverse effect and she'll be smarter than her dumbass mom.

Wow, Nancy Travis is a hypocrite. But her daughter's mistakes. Were way worse.  (That's how. The line was said.)

This really is Full House: Now With Even Less Birth Control. It's a weird hybrid of Slut Shaming and Consequence-Free Teen Pregnancy.

I know all kids make mistakes, but Thora Birch didn't grow up in that town. She REALLY wouldn't have hunted down condoms?

Aaaand the abstinence message STILL prevails. Even though Nancy Travis herself didn't abstain before marriage.

Thora Birch admits that her "knee jerk liberal" mind has been changed by Nancy Travis' Magic Speech of Abstinence. And I go kill myself.

Color me shocked: Zac Efron Hair got a girlfriend who washn't knocked up.

Closing shot: stupid Redhead cuddling her baby and Thora Birch saying "congratulations." Brought to you by Sarah Palin.

Camryn Manheim says over the credits: "talk to your teens about sex." Start with the mixed messages of this movie.

GARRRRR. This movie wasn't as fun to snark as I thought. It just made me stabby. And it made me want to buy condoms, and I'm not even 15.

So later, when I bitched about this horrible movie, a friend of mine asked why I watched it in the first place. I mean, a Lifetime movie about teen pregnancy is most likely NOT going to be the most sex-positive thing around, so it's a valid question.  I guess my answer is this: I thought it would be eminently funny and snarkable like so many of its counterparts (Co-Ed Call Girl, anyone?).  Maybe it was that way for other people, but it turned out not to be the case for me.

Why?  It's an issue way closer to my heart than co-ed call girls or cheating wives.

Unpro Steps Up on a Very Brief Soapbox

Here's the thing: teen pregnancy isn't good.  I have no doubt that there ARE girls out there who are so uninformed and sheltered that they think getting pregnant before you graduate high school is, in fact, great. With The Pregnancy Pact, Lifetime had a real opportunity to warn against teen pregnancy, while promoting alternatives that are indeed positive: birth control, effective parental communication, and most of all, things that teens can do (together, or by themselves) that aren't intercourse but are still fun and healthy and normal. Because making birth control available won't turn teenagers into sexmongers (well, any more than they already are)--it will just make them more informed and safer.  Also, not every teen is ready to have sex, but there are other ways to feel good that don't carry the risk of pregnancy and STD's.

But no.  Lifetime took those opportunities and shot them STRAIGHT TO HELL.  Because who needs education, information and excitation when you have the ever-effective abstinence?

GRRRRRRR.

*end rant*

Just a quick heads-up: next week, I will be heading out of town for the two-week writing residency I mentioned in my last post.  During that time, you'll get two amazing pop culture-related guest posts: one from Etiquette Bitch and one from Nikki of Are You There Youth?  It's Me, Nikki.  Should be fun!

See ya in a few weeks, and as always, thanks a mil for reading.

I Ain't the Worst That You Seen (Hopefully): My Fiction

First things first: my ever-so-fashionable and witty lil sis (whose thoughts were featured in this post), has started her own blog.  She loves reality TV and is quite awesome, so follow her, please!

So in addition to ripping on pop culture, dissecting movies, and befriending Jeremy Sisto, I also write YA fiction that doesn't involve vampires.  No agent yet, but I'm working on it.  I started this blog as a way to indulge my love of pop culture and create another writing channel--one with feedback more positive and detailed than "thanks, this isn't for us."

Though apparently I don't totally suck, as this place is going to pay me to work on my novel for two weeks in February.

I've had readers ask if they could read some of my fiction.  As it happens, two weeks ago I wrote a short piece for this contest.  I didn't win, but I was pretty happy with what I came up with.  It's a self-contained story, and it's already online (therefore I'm not paranoid someone will steal it) so I thought I'd share it.

NOTE: this is a highly atypical post. Regular snarkage will continue next week.

A little background: the prompt for the contest was 500 words or less from a teenager's secret diary or a letter they never sent.

Enjoy.

If only Levon hadn't worn that red grandpa cardigan.


Now I'm stressing whether Taylor will flay me with their recently-expelled fetus.


I need to write this down, even though circumstantial evidence probably isn't a good idea. Like what just happened.


I wish I could say "he's like my brother." We were together in the nursery, grew up singing the Elton John songs we were named for, alongside parents who'd been the oldest in Lamaze class, shot up from faithful story hour-goers to high school employees at the library.


But I was convinced that we were meant to be. Who else sounded as retro compatible as Levon and Harmony?


Then came Taylor, who preferred Cosmo to Tolkien. Taylor, who we liked anyway. Taylor, who found herself knocked up and didn't need Maury to prove that Levon was the father.


I went along for the nine-month ride. What else could a virginal third wheel do? And Taylor was grateful to confide in me when her boobs hurt.


That night was the first time Levon and I were trusted to close the library alone. Taylor was home, about to pop.


While I picked up discarded hardcovers, I listened to him heave up the ancient stereo hidden behind the circulation desk. Crap. Why did he have to pick that song? Out of all the Beach Boys, he had to choose the prayer of unrequited lovelust.


"Wouldn't it be nice if we were older, and we wouldn't have to wait so long/
and wouldn't it be nice to live together, in the kinda world where we belong?"


"I wish that every kiss was neeeeeeeverending," Levon crooned along. In the fluorescent light, I could see lines on his forehead that weren't there last year.


"Harmony!" I turned around. "Why ya running away?"


I held up the book.


He told me to put it down. "We always wanted to be all alone in the library." Levon spread his arms wide, banging his elbow on the newspaper carrel.


I rushed over, gingerly rolling up his sleeve, not even sure what I was supposed to be looking for.


His hand covering mine should have set off the security alarms.


What happened next was like flipping crisp new pages of text: stumbling to the windowless genealogy section, the tight space, the big gap in experience.


The swirl of "this is exactly how it's supposed to be" blending into "this is the worst thing we could possibly be doing." I wasn't sure which one was right, if there was a right feeling at all.


By the time Levon's cell beeped, the Beach Boys had moved on to "Barbara Ann" and we weren't looking at each other.


Taylor's water broke.


He started pulling on his clothes. He left the cardigan spread out on the floor facedown, and caught my eye with a glance I couldn't read. Asked if I'd be okay.


I swallowed. Nodded.


The heavy door slammed. Goosebumps broke out on my bare skin.


The closest thing was the red cardigan, but I didn't touch it.

NOTE2: HEY LITERARY AGENTS! Like what you see?  There's more where that came from!  Email me at maybeimamazed02[at]yahoo[dot]com.